Reflections archive April 2008

Reflections Archive

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2008

Nov 1, 2008

Storms of life. Do they come and go in your life as
often as they do in mine? It seems like every week
there are at least two major, major storms.

Reminds me of a few years ago when there were 4
hurricanes that came our direction in 5 weeks. For the
first storm, there was a lot of fear, wondering "what if".
Next came the preparations, making sure there were
enough supplies to weather the storm. Somewhere
towards the middle of the storm, there was physical and
mental exhaustion. It was wearing and we just wanted it
over. We'd been on "pause" for so long. By the end,
we were just ready to get back to normal, to life.

By the second storm ... we knew what to expect so there
wasn't as much fear and wondering. We already had
most of the preparations done. We had already been
through a storm so we knew about how long this would
last so we didn't hit mental and physical exhaustion as
quickly. Not all of our life went on "pause". Yet at the
end, we were still ready to get back to life.

By the last storms, we had the whole thing down pat. It
became routine, almost "normal". Still wasn't fun. But
I also noticed that I learned how to not have my life on
"pause" while we waited this storm out. Life went on
during the middle of the storm.

I think this is holding true with my current storms of
life. Since May, we've had one metaphorical hurricane
after another line up. At first, there was fear and
wondering "what if". There were lots of preparations.
There was physical and mental exhaustion. Life was on
"pause" and I just wanted it over, to get back to life.

By the next storms of my life, I was prepared. My life
didn't get completely paused. I'm still ready to get back
to life.

But just like the hurricanes, we kinda got numb to the
whole thing. I see myself doing that same thing with
my life storms. I'm not sure that's a good thing, maybe
it is. I just know that I'm looking forward to the sun
shining again.

Father, you are the sunshine in the storms of my life.
Please shine brightly, I need you now.

Nov 5, 2008

Beyond the politics (which I'm quite frankly SICK OF)
... I muse today on the soon to be first family.
Afterall, they are just a family similar to mine. I look
at Mr. Obama and I see my son Jacob in 30 years. I
see a young, strong, handsome Black man who is
articulate and compelling.

I look at Mrs. Obama and see a beautiful Black
woman and I think of my daughter Kaley in 30 years.
I see this woman through my daughter's eyes today.
She is strong, well-educated and well-spoken. She
seems to genuinely love her husband and her
daughters. I like that. Kaley says she wants to be the
President some day 'cause she wants to live in the
White House.

I see the first daughters. They are 10 and 7. I have 2
sons that exact age. Malia was born 3 days before
Jacob. Sasha is the same age as Sam. I imagine them
running the halls of the White House, bring life and
vitality (as only children can) to the place. Kaley is
thrilled to see other little girls who have hair that
looks just like hers. I guess I never really noticed that
there are very, very few little Black girls on TV ...
until now.

We went to DC and saw the White House this past
March. I know it would feel different if we were
standing there with those little girls inside. My kids
would be wondering what it was like to be inside.
They'd want to go inside and see their rooms and play
with them. That's new.

I consider the first dog ... my kids heard that the girls
have been promised a new puppy and they are quite
frankly jealous. They've been petitioning for a dog for
a long time and wondered how Malia and Sasha have
pulled it off!

As a family that is compromised of 3 distinct races, I
have considered the issue of race many, many times. I
wonder and muse if this will be a unifying or a divisive
factor in the next few years. Only time will tell. I can
say I pray that it is unifying beyond out wildest
dreams.

I think about how in 4 years, these girls will be 11 and
14. If he's elected again, they will be 15 and 18. Malia
will literally grow up in the White House. At the same
time, my son Jacob will be growing up and hit 18 as
well. Kaley will be 17. hmmm.

Just thought I'd add a different perspective to the day,
through the eyes of my children.

Nov 30, 2008

Lately I've been writing a bit on a new book about
parenting adopted special needs children. I get started,
lose direction, get distracted and then realize a week
has past and I didn't write anything. I'd love to have
the kind of discipline where I would write a bit every
day and the "voila" one day ... it would all be done. But
somehow, it doesn't work that way.

Distractions happen. Sometimes it's the distractions of
laundry or dishes or dinner ... clearly things that need
to be done. Sometimes I'm distracted by a small child
who wants to crawl up in my lap and read a book or just
snuggle. Sometimes the distraction is watching the
kids play a game of football or wrestle in the backyard.
Then there are the distractions of making sure the kids
do their homework and chores, get along and play fair.
Or the distractions of making sure they brush their
teeth, take a bath and put on clean socks (trust me,
that's a biggie in our home for some reason). Some of
my distractions come in the form of bill paying, phone
answering, letter writing, shopping for groceries and
work. Some distractions come from my husband. Let's
not even get started about the distractions of doctor
appointments. etc etc etc

Of course, all these things need to be done. THIS is my
life. I'm guessing that the real trick is ... how do I
balance these "distractions" with the things I feel God
is asking me to accomplish. I have more words in my
head than time to write them down. More songs, more
books, etc.

So perhaps I've just stumbled on one of the chapters of
my new book ... how to balance it all.

Now on to the task of figuring HOW to do that!!!

Dear Lord ... please help me find the way to accomplish
everything You want me to in a day. Help me kiss my
kid's every hurt knee, celebrate every accomplishment
(no matter how small), feed each hungry mind and
belly, laugh every day, play every day and show them a
Godly example of grace and mercy. Help me to focus
on what matters and let the other things go. Help me
never be too distracted that I don't demonstrate God's
love and joy to those You put in my path. Help me love
You more each day so I have more to love others with.
I

Dec 15, 2008

I step into the front driveway for a few minutes to help Dan jumpstart
his car ... apparently it needs a new battery. The kids were happily
playing inside, the front door was open in case they needed me. I
thought all was fine.

A few minutes later, all the kids are excitedly jumping up and down.
They had looks on their faces like they'd burst if they didn't tell me
RIGHT NOW!

"What?" I calmly ask.

"Look at our new snake. His name is Speedy and ..."

"What????" I not so calmly ask.

"We found him outside and we want to keep him as a pet and ..."

"Take him outside IMMEDIATELY!" (and now I have to decide if I
tell them I'm deathly afraid of snakes ... I decide not to.)

2 days later, Kaley announces, "The snake isn't even poisonous".
"How do you know that?" I query. "Cause he bit Luke and it didn't do
anything. He's not hurt a bit." ahhhhhh!

Now truth be told, I knew this was a black racer (not poisonous). But
THEY didn't know this!

Turns out ... our precious little daughter Kaley caught this thing. I
figured I'd see this such behavior from my sons, but not my daughter!

But it got me thinking ... I wonder how many times that we determine if
something is "Safe" for us or not based on the outcome. Like, "I tried X
sin and nothing happened." versus determining what is right and wrong/
safe or not based on God's law and HIS moral compass.

Dear Lord, May I come to YOU to determine what is poisonous. May
you steer me away from dangerous things. Light my path and show me
where to place my feet. I don't want to stray from Your direction for
my life. I don't want to handle serpents (real or spiritual).

January 25, 2009

OK ... I don't normally start with a "disclaimer" ... but today, I
must. This is what our church calls "Kitchen talk". (That's the
place where we always seem to gather and anything goes ...
there is no topic off limits in the kitchen.) So now that you've
been sufficiently warned, proceed with caution.

For New Year's, our church went on a camping trip. If you've
ever been on a camping trip, there are very few secrets. You find
out who snores and who takes how many trips to the potty at
night. Those are things easily heard through tent walls. You
find out what people look like fresh out of bed. You find out
people's attitudes when their air mattress leaks out and they are
required to sleep on the tree stumps.

And if you have children, you find out a few other things too.
You find out how many marshmallows a child can eat before
they hurl. You find out they actually LIKE eating things that
have been burnt in the fire or fallen in the dirt. You find out
how many nights a person can wear the same socks before the
parents demand a new pair. You find out your children CAN
pee in a cup if it's really cold outside and you don't want to put
on your shoes and coat.

Unfortunately, these are not hypothetical, these are some of the
things I actually found out on this past camping trip.

Oh, and let's not forget the time Zoe (age 3) went through my
suitcase and found something of mine. Apparently she was
trying to be helpful as she runs through the camp to me, waving
it wildly, screaming loudly "Here's your diaper Mommy!!"

"What?" I don't recall having any diapers!
"Oh! That's not a diaper honey, that's a pad."

So now our church can add one more thing that they know about
their Pastor's Wife!

Dear Lord, I look at the billions of people on the planet and I
think about how they're all Your children. YOU know them all
intimately. You know every detail of their lives. You care about
them and their lives, their hopes, their futures. May I come to
know YOUR people. May I love them with YOUR love and see
them through YOUR eyes.

April 16, 2009

What the heck was I thinking? I took a book to the park while
watching 5 kids. I set out with high hopes that I could actually read.
Of course
I’m not out of touch with reality … I didn’t expect to read a whole
book or even a whole chapter. But I figured I could realistically do a
page or two. NOT!

What caught my attention? Was it the kids misbehaving? No. Was
it the kids needing extra direction? No. So what was it?

I was enjoying them! Luke slides a water bottle down the hill and
then tries to go down the same way (even though tree branches and
roots prevented it). Sam was at the bottom of the hill to attack him
while hiding in the bushes (every time, but it never ceased to make
both of them do a belly laugh. Kaley was happily exploring and
catching lizards (by the end, she had a whole slew of them). Jacob
was busily finding rocks that resembled planets or spaceships and
was dreaming up whole worlds. Zoe was going back and forth
between all these activities, taking turns at each (and gulping my
iced tea).

I sat watching for an hour at this one location. Then it was time to
explore another part of the park so off we went. They eventually
settled on a second location that needed further exploration. Luke
was climbing this tree and got way up high. He asked me to take his
picture. Darn it, I brought a book, not my camera.

What was I thinking? So I told him, “I’ll take a picture with my
mind.” So I held my hands up with my invisible camera and even
“clicked”. I was hoping that my brain, did indeed, store that picture.
There are others for the day. Several times I caught myself and
hoped that I was creating a vivid enough mind picture that I could
keep it for ever.

By the end of the trek, we had been at the park all day. I never even
cracked open the book … I’m sure I made the right choice.

Lord, Help me prioritize and remember. Daily.

July 9, 2009

Four of the kids started basketball camp this Monday morning.
They were thrilled. It was so exciting to watch their eager little
faces in anticipation. In fact, Jacob woke everyone up 2 hours
before we had to leave to make sure they were up and ready!
(Trust me, they were then dragging later that night!)

For Jacob, this is his 4th year. Kaley's 3rd and Sam's 2nd.
Because we're friends with the organizer and head coach, he
even let Luke participate even though he's technically too young.
(You're supposed to be going into 3rd grade and he's going into
1st.) Poor Zoe. She wanted to go too! I had to explain that we
couldn't pass her off as a 3rd grader!

The first 15 minutes or so is a Bible Study geared towards the
kids, given by various Pastors. At the end, they're given a pep
talk by someone who either played college or pro ball and even
one pro referee.

After 2 days of being there, I asked the kids how they liked it.
They said, "It's fun .... but they use grown-up words we don't
understand." "Like what?" I ask. "They say 'offense' and
'defense' and other stuff like that." I thought that was
reasonable that they might not know those words so I explained
them.

"What else?" I query. "They keep telling us where to go but we
don't understand what they're saying." The organizers of this
decided to name the teams with 3-4th grader based on High
School team. 5-6 is named after college teams and 7-8 named
after pro teams. So the coach will yell, "High School this way.
College that way. NBA over here." and MY kids have no clue
where to go! "We're not in high school yet and we don't even
know what those other things are!" I just had to laugh. Of
course I explain.

"Is that it?" I ask tentatively. "No. They tell us to go with our
team. Who is that?" By now, I'm cracking up at how little my
kids truly know about basketball apparently. I tell them, "Team
is those kids you keep playing with every day." "Ohhhhh ...
THEM!" hee heeee

But what I didn't tell you was ... I had a moment of panic on
Sunday afternoon! I looked down at the kid's shoes and realized
that each of them needed new shoes. Some were old and ragged.
I even could see Sam's toes peeking out. So I drug them to the
store and got 5 new pairs of tennies. Went home and thought
nothing of it.

What was such a natural, normal, no big deal thing to me would
be a HUGE deal to many of the children of the world, especially
the 143 million orphans. Many of them have never worn a pair
of shoes, much less a brand new pair. It hit me how much we
take for granted.

I'm thankful this year to have our charity S.H.O.E.S. chosen to
receive half of the proceeds of the charity game at the end of this
basketball camp. It's truly a blessing to be able to share my
heart for the special needs orphans of the world. Thanks Ed!

Lord, may I never forget all the special things You do for me.
May I never take for granted the simple pleasures of being the
daughter of the King. May I never stop sharing YOU with the
rest of the world so they can become Your sons and daughters too.

August 3, 2009

Seems God is lining up some things for me to notice.

Just this week: Saturday night. The teens in the church were
talking about how "church" needs to be different than previous
generations (I agree whole heartedly). They feel this generation is
one of extremes. Kinda all or none. I left knowing this is true and
I'm on board, but also feeling like I wasn't sure how to do it.

Today. I ran across (again) a video created by a friend. It includes
many, many adopted children (including my own). I was left with
all the warm fuzzies of those kids who now have families. But I
also feel for all those who haven't yet or never will find their
families.

Yesterday. I posted a video about how if we don't become a part
of the solution, then we're really a part of the problem.

See my train of thought?

I know I have 5 amazing children (all former orphans). I know I
run a small non-profit to help some of the orphans of the world. I
know I co-pastor a small church where we're working on
programs to do all sorts of things.

But it's just not enough. I feel compelled to do MORE. I feel this
deep ache in my very soul that I'm supposed to be doing
SOMETHING .... BIGGER.

Of course I have ideas, thoughts, dreams, hopes, visions. I'm sure
some will pan out.

I hear the cries. So many cries that I feel like I'm swimming in the
ocean of hurting people's tears. And I have one lone handkerchief.

It's just not enough.

Lord, I don't want to miss what You're saying to me. I want to
follow Your lead. May my heart always hear the cries. But more
importantly, may my heart always hear what YOU want me to
do about it. Direct my paths.

August 31, 2009

Sad. Sick. Angry. Betrayed. Empty.

I'm usually not at a loss for words ... but I am now.

Yesterday, I heard the most devastating news. A little girl named Lavender
was murdered. I've never met this little girl. I never met her family. I know
very little about her. So why this devastation?

Let me take you back. While we were waiting for final approval to adopt
Zoe (May 2007), Sabrina was waiting to adopt Lavender. Sabrina is an
African American woman and was told by China that she had been denied
solely for that purpose. I have no clue if this is true or not, just reporting
what was told to the adoption community. Many rallied, wrote letters,
begged, pleaded with government officials - here and in China.

I put myself in her shoes - afterall, I have 2 African American children. I felt
I was fighting for THEIR rights too. I never did anything about it (there was
a check in my spirit). But I prayed for Lavender. I would look at her
picture and beg God to bring her home.

Her mother and I exchanged emails and chatted on the adoption boards. She
claimed to be a Christian.

She got approval. One week before we met Zoe, she was standing in the
VERY SAME ROOM where we would meet Zoe. (They're from the same
province.) They both have cleft lip/palate. I felt so connected with this
little girl.

Turns out, on May 2, 2008 ... less than a year since she had been home, 911
was called and she was pronounced dead on the scene. Beaten to death and
suffocated. Murdered. In August 2009, her mother is arrested for the crime.

My head is spinning. Sabrina couldn't have possibly done this. But what if
she did? What if she's covering for someone? What caused her to snap?
Why didn't she reach out to the same adoption community who had rallied
for her before if she needed help?

I have no clue if we'll ever get any answers. I have no clue where to go from
here. I started with asking God forgiveness for begging for her to come
home.

I know I cannot let this child's death be in vain. I must stand up and speak.
I must shout something from the rooftops.

Lord, please grant me the grace to know what to say and when to say it.
Please show me what you want done, what message you want heard. And
Lord, would you please let Lavender know how much she's missed? And
would you tell her how much she's loved by people who have never met her?
And will you put a kiss on that precious face for me? Thanks.

To see Reflections
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August 09